We got the leftovers.

It was my first real job, and I was scared. I had been hired as a TA for a remedial writing class at my college. Our mission was to take these kids (the misfits who had to pass to continue on) and turn them into writers. At the very least, they had to learn to write a basic five paragraph essay.

They were a mixed bunch of kids, all with their own separate issues. We had football players and future dropouts and shell-shocked exchange students who were still scared to speak English (One day a female student came in crying. “I was praying to Mecca” she explained, “but then I saw my first naked man! He was running across the quad!” She cried harder on my shoulder. “Oh honey.” was all I managed to muster up.).

We had to teach them to write. We had to teach them to bring their books to class. We had to teach them to care.

Even worse, we had to teach them The Illiad.

The football guys sort of respected the violence. When they came to class, they marveled at the descriptions of eye-gouging and throat cutting. They understood bashing heads to solve a problem.

The exchange students tried to explain their cultural stories in halting English, but they couldn’t make us understand.

The future dropouts tried to disturb us and never brought their books.

Lost In Translation.

When they showed up and stayed awake, our students grasped the surface of things. But we were still frustrated, because we knew the subtle lessons that we were dying for them to discover.

That heroes could be idiots. To always look a gift horse in the mouth. That violence was caused by pride and grief and fear, and that no one could it end it without admitting they were wrong. That you can’t write a paper without a thesis statement. That stealing quotes (or papers) from the internet was not just wrong, but dumb.

We knew all of this, but we couldn’t make it come out right.

Everyone trapped in that classroom spent a semester trying to make something come out right. When they didn’t pay attention, we yelled. When they were rude, we threw them out. When they were ready to give up, we tried to give them hope and an outline.

We needed a mind reading communications specialist, but we had nothing. Just an overworked professor, a terrified TA, and a bunch of lost students.

Here’s the part that matters to you.

Social media feels like this to me a lot of the time. There’s a crowd who gets it (the professors), but who are just too tired to keep explaining it. There’s the people who want to get it, but don’t know how to find the right words. And then there are the people who just don’t care. If someone tells you they don’t “twit”, they’re probably in this category.

When I’m working with clients, I still feel like the social media TA.

I see signs all the time that advertise Facebook pages and Twitter accounts for local businesses, but don’t have any names or URLs on them. I see fantastic people with incredible personalities that are easily confused with spambots.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m a web writer extraordinare, but I’m not a social media tech specialist. I’m not claiming to be a super expert here.

What I can do (and frequently do for clients) is translate who you really are into a mean and lean 140 characters that will blow people’s socks off.

That’s what I’m offering today.

The three lucky giveaway winners will get a 140 character Twitter bio that will perfectly encapsulate who you are and show it off to the world. If you’ve got nothing, I’d love to start from scratch. If you want something rewritten to have more punch and personality, that’s great too.

If you’re interested, leave a comment on this post. I’ll leave it open until July 4th, and then Sir Didymus (copy spaniel at large and unofficial contest master) will pick three names out of the hat.

Get it? Got it? Good.

A few posts ago, I mentioned that I was adding consulting to my repertoire. I’ve finally added it to my Services page, and in order to kick things off, I’m running a giveaway here on the blog.

I’m giving away two one-hour consulting sessions.

Each session gets you an hour with me, on the phone or over an instant-messaging client – your choice – to talk about the best way to create new copy for your website, blog, etc., or to massage your existing writing to better suit your needs and wants. You don’t even have to be a small business – as long as you’ve got something you want written or edited, you’re good to go. Each winner and I will set up a time within the next two weeks when we’re both available; all you have to do is have an idea about what you want to talk about.

Here are the rules:

1. Leave a comment on this post. You can introduce yourself, talk about how you’d use a copy consultation, or just say hi – the only requirements are that your post be in English and that you leave a valid email address.
2. The giveaway ends at 11:59 PM EST on December 26. (I’ll use the comment time to determine eligibility.)
3. On December 27, I’ll randomly select two of the eligible comments and send out emails with more information. I’ll also post the winners’ names (or preferred pseudonyms) in another blog post this weekend.

That’s it! Good luck, and have a great day!