I’m having a very hard time writing this post right now. I feel that same pressure of resistance, those familiar trappings of word block, crowd around my fingers and tense my shoulders to the point that it feels like the screen and I are on opposite magnetic wavelengths forcefully propelling each other away.
I don’t want to write a blog post revealing more of me. Not because I’m ashamed of showing myself to the world (though there is a little of that), but writing a post requires that I look at myself, and that deep well of inspiration that allows me to type.
And right now, I peek into that well and my stomach twists at what I see.
Right now, I look at that well and see this thick layer of oil and tar mucking up what used to be clear, beautiful, drinking water that was my soul. I don’t believe the well completely contaminated. But there is this layer of thick grime that, right now, I don’t have the energy to clean out. Nor do I know how or where to begin. I’m wrestling with my own mini Gulf Oil Spill, and there’s that moment of panic when I look at this big daunting, almost intangible task ahead of me and see no clear solution. No remedy that I can reach for and put my confidence behind to see me through. No cure that tells me ‘hey, it’s going to be okay. Just do x, y, and z a few times and you’ll get back on track’.
I really would do that. …If I knew what x, y, and z were. If I knew that doing just maybe x would make the well a little cleaner. But I try, and I see no change. I try again and see no change. I try again and, by God, the well looks even dirtier. And after a while, the inevitable happens.
Trying again becomes harder and harder.
If you’re trying to push a boulder and every strategy you use doesn’t seem to move it from your spot, you’re going to come at that boulder with much less energy and enthusiasm. I dip a clean rag in the well as a sacrifice to absorb the grit and I’m running out of rags. I’ve broken so many filters trying to purify the water. I have almost convinced myself that there isn’t a nice warm, towel big enough or a filter strong enough to make that well (to make me) clean and strong again.
And so I’ve been running from the ‘monster’ in my closet. Not because I’m afraid of it. But because I am so, so tired of battling it. I would lift my sword, if I had the strength to.
Every person has their high and low point.
I believe that business owners and freelancers’ ups and down mimic the charts of a Richter Scale, constantly, almost violently swinging back and forth. Especially in the beginning.
And it’s something that we as a whole… don’t talk a lot about. Sure sometimes we say “oh, this month was a little lean” or “things aren’t going the way I had planned.” But you say these things with a smile because you don’t want to admit how hard things are for you, especially to your own peers. And those words only scratch the shallow surface.
I understand that you shouldn’t say if things are bad. Publicly especially. Sometimes it’s a matter of pride. Sometimes, it’s just business sense. You don’t say you’re struggling. You don’t want to position yourself in anyone’s eyes as someone who doesn’t have it together.
But you know what?
Screw it.
Running a business is HARD.
It is HARD. It is DANGEROUS. Some people might even say it’s suicide. There is no SHAME in that, and I don’t think anyone reading this does themselves any favors by denying that it is difficult. If you put up an “all is well” front not 85 percent of the time, or even 90, but 100 percent of the time, you are going to go crazy.
If the only time you allow yourself to feel…
- vulnerable
- not together
- overwhelmed
- frustrated
- scared
- ready to scream
- ready to cry
- ready to call it quits
…is when you are by yourself, alone, with no one else to see you, you are poisoning your well. And I think… for the sake of all my lovely business peeps out there… let go of the pride. The fear. The feeling that you might feel stupid, or unqualified to claim your title as an entrepreneur because you admitted that you don’t know all the answers.
Let it go. Purge it out. Talk about, really talk about, the stress and fears of running a business with people you trust. Do it regularly, and if you have no one find someone. Let it out so it doesn’t poison your own well.
Because it’s really very hard to clean up.
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